


Hiraeth

by Artemis_Fandom_Things



Series: Ephemeral [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Guilt, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, Letters, M/M, Not A Fix-It, References to Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 22:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20956244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Fandom_Things/pseuds/Artemis_Fandom_Things
Summary: Hiraeth (n): a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was-Death catches us by surprise but some see it coming.Obito was selfish enough to keep it to himself and Kakashi now deals with the sudden loss.





	Hiraeth

_ Dear Kakashi, _

_ I’m writing this letter to you to hopefully try to apologise and explain my choice, why I didn’t tell you. _

* * *

“Twenty years old is early, to die. But when you’re a shinobi, I suppose twenty is already older than what was expected from most.”

* * *

_ A while ago I came back from the hospital, and from my last appointment with the usual doctor. No, you didn’t read wrong, I did say last. He told me I had less than a month, barely two weeks to either find a ‘cure’ or to say goodbye and face the hard reality of the situation. I know you asked me to keep on fighting, to try look at all I could to be better- to _ ** _feel_ ** _ better- but I can’t. I _ ** _can’t_ ** _ , Kakashi. Not anymore. _

* * *

“You always hated funerals- you said it was because you were forced to go to so many of them, of people of your clan that had died but you never even knew the name of, and how you were always expected to cry. Always. No matter who, no matter what.”

* * *

_ I gave up. _

* * *

“But you tried. They were your family, so it was obvious that you had to feel sad, that you had to shed tears. And to think, that anywhere else your tears were considered a shame, something disgusting to hide and to keep a hold of. Still, no matter how many times you were put down, you always got up. You _ never _ gave up.”

* * *

_ I don’t know when, exactly, I decided to stop trying. Maybe it was right after hearing the verdict; maybe it was right when I decided to write you this letter; maybe I gave up months ago. The truth won’t change. _

* * *

“I suppose… that I took it for granted, that side of you. The one that never gives up. That never _ gave _ up. But also, I should’ve probably realised it, uh? How bad the situation was, and how much of a toll it was taking from you, physically and mentally.”

* * *

_ The point is- I knew I was dying. I’ve probably known for far longer then I’m willing to admit, either to you or to myself. But after that appointment… _ ** _ I couldn’t stop feeling it._ ** _ I could feel my body growing weaker and weaker with each passing day, I could feel my strength fading away and how I grew impossibly tired. How I went from sleeping eight, ten hours to twelve and fourteen, until staying awake was a chore that almost became impossible. _

* * *

“Fuck, I- I don’t even know where to start. I feel so _ guilty _ , Obito. I feel like I failed you. _ Again _ . What kind of friend, what kind of _ husband _ was I if you decided not to tell me you were _ dying _? But I also can’t help but wonder, was it scary? Did you accept it with that calm you have, the one that came up in the most surprising of situations, or did you freak out? For how long did you actually try to stop it, before deciding...?”

* * *

_ I kept on noticing how many missions you refused just to stay by my side, always worried and always loyal, how many times you had to reassure Naruto that I was fine, that I was going to get better- and how all of it always felt pointless in the face of never seeing any kind of improvement on my health. _

* * *

“But right now it’s about you, isn’t it? About your choice.”

* * *

_ Maybe it should’ve been obvious from the start, from when food became my biggest enemy and my stomach failed to keep it down, instead of me throwing it up and then even more. Or maybe when even without eating anything I often found myself hunched on my back, feeling my throat burn and my eyes sting, as I threw up nothing more than gastric juices and blood. Or maybe again, when every time I got up I had to wait some moments for my head to stop spinning least I crumbled to the ground from a too-soon step, or when my legs shook almost violently from the strain of sustaining my weight. _

* * *

“When you choose to give up, and to waste away…”

* * *

_ Yes, now that I think about it I _ ** _know_ ** _ I’ve felt myself dying from the start. But, I’ve always been one to hope, right? To try and look for the best in every situation. _

* * *

“I was angry, Obito. So, so _ angry _ . I probably still am. But most of it is at myself. For never noticing how much you were struggling and the pain you were in. I was foolish to think that it was going to be fine, that there was going to be a solution. I thought- it was _ you _ ! You _ always _ found a solution, no matter how much it took, or how _ impossible _ it seemed and so I let myself hope that even this time it was going to be the same. I _ hoped _ that even this time it was going to be okay. That- that you were going to heal and walk out of it stronger than ever. I mean, you did it once so why not twice? When we got married, that was my dream you know? I was marrying the guy I loved, and we were both young- I was barely sixteen and you already eighteen and we mostly did it for Naruto but _ I loved you so much _\- and I thought that without a war we had all the time of our lives. That we could grow older together. But now… now those are all they are, uh? Dreams. Just. Dreams.”

* * *

_ I’m sorry Kakashi, I really am. _

* * *

“I can’t help but feel so many regrets. Things I didn’t tell you, or that we didn’t do. After all we had time, right? It’s not like we were going to die from point blank, right?”

* * *

_ I choose to be selfish and not to tell you, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, but I’m not selfish enough- or brave enough- to die alone. One night we’ll go to sleep, with me wrapped in your arms. You’ll kiss my lips, the the top of my head. You’ll tell me goodnight, to have sweet dreams. You’ll say ‘see you in the morning’. Then you’ll hold me a little tighter and we’ll fall asleep together, like we always do. You’ll sleep through the whole night, peacefully, and wake up ready to face the new day. You’ll kiss my head again and go to the kitchen and make breakfast, because for some reason you can make a better coffee than me and you’ll wait for me to join you at the table. _

* * *

“I was wrong. We didn’t have time.”

* * *

_ But I won’t get up. _

* * *

“You were right, you know? About That Day. We were supposed to go by the lake, Naruto wanted to learn how to swim, so why not? That night, when we went to bed I held you tight. I- I remember it clearly, how different your body felt to my touch compared to the beginning. You were no longer soft, you no longer felt strong. I remember feeling your ribs poking against your skin and how thin your arms- your whole body was. How frail you looked against me. I kissed you goodnight. I’d listen to your breathing and fall asleep to the sound, to the surety that you were going to wake up. When I woke up I felt good, you know? No nightmares, no nothing. I got up, went to the kitchen and made coffee, because you aren’t a morning person and I knew of much more tired you became. It was still early, so when you didn’t even stir I foolishly didn’t even thought nothing was wrong. Then I waited, and waited, and waited, but you never came.”

* * *

_ I won’t come into the kitchen, I won’t greet you with a kiss and a ‘good morning’. _

* * *

“Ten in the morning and you never awoke. I felt my blood freeze and fear clutching at my chest.”

* * *

_ Now the coffee is cold, waiting for me to join you like usual, but I’m not coming. You can’t even hear me getting up.You’ll start getting worried, if you weren’t already. You’ll come back in our bedroom and I’ll still be there, laid down as you left me, unmoving. Maybe at first you’ll thing I’m just that tired, so you’ll attempt to shake me awake. It won’t work. You’ll shake me harder, you’ll start calling my name and beg me to wake up. Then instead of my shoulder you’ll put your hand on my arm and you’ll feel it cold and that’s when you’ll truly understand that something is wrong. _

* * *

“I came into our room and you were like I left you, laying on your side and a little curled up on yourself. It almost looked normal, with nothing wrong. At first I just tried to shake you awake. Usually, you would wake up as soon as I touched your shoulder but this time you stood still, unmoving. I tried it for a few times and then I started panicking. My hand slipped, and from your shoulder it went to your bare arm and it was _ cold _ , Obito. _ Ice cold _.”

* * *

_ You will take my wrist and try to feel my heartbeat. _

* * *

“Rin taught both of us how to feel someone’s heartbeat, how to check if they’re dead or alive. We never got it wrong after she taught us, you know?”

* * *

_ You’ll also probably think you did it wrong, so you’ll try it again, and again, and again. _

* * *

“I tried to feel your pulse, and there was nothing there. That’s when I started screaming.”

* * *

_ I’m not sure when you’ll start crying. Maybe when you will have realised I’m dead? Maybe when I’m not waking up from your calls. Maybe only at the funeral. I… I never say you crying a lot. You rarely did, didn’t you? _

* * *

“Then the funeral… I could barely do anything- I just choose the flowers. Anemones, asphodels, your favourites, marigolds and red roses. I still can’t forget the despair I felt and there wasn’t a single moment when I wasn’t crying, or screaming, or both. I barely even _ looked _ at who was there, I didn’t _ care _ . I only cared that you were _ dead _ , Obito, that you were laying _ there _ in a _ coffin _ and you just looked _ asleep _ but you were _ dead _ ! Dead and _ gone _ and _ cold _ and I _ didn’t know what to do _!”

* * *

_ But please, _ ** _please_ ** _ Kakashi keep on _ ** _living_ ** _ . _

* * *

“I wanted to _ die, _ Obito . You were my everything and you were _ gone. _”

* * *

_ I am _ ** _begging_ ** _ you to please don’t _ ** _waste_ ** _ your life remembering my death. Try to move on, to go out and make new friends. To raise Naruto at the best of your abilities because I _ ** _know_ ** _ you can, to be there for him no matter what. Maybe you’ll make some mistakes, and it won’t be easy, but you won’t be alone. You never were and never will. _

* * *

“But I thought, if I die, who will take care of Naruto, where will he go? I suppose that for now it’s enough, right? As long as there is something, _ anything _, then I can keep on going right?”

* * *

_ And then, if you don’t hate the thought of loving someone again, try. _

* * *

“But the worst part is, I hated you. _I hated you so much_.”

* * *

_ Try to fall in love again. _

* * *

“For not telling me that you were dying.”

* * *

_ Try to be happy. _

* * *

“It will take time, but I’ll try and do my best. I will let Gai drag me out on some ridiculous challenges, but only from time-to-time; I’ll have drinking contests with Anko even if I know I’ll lose; go out for tea with Kurenai; play shogi with Asuma.”

* * *

_ That’s all I ask, and all I ever wanted. For me and for you. _

* * *

“Maybe one day I’ll be able to move on, to allow my heart to stop loving you. But you choose to be selfish, and now so am I.”

* * *

_ Our ‘us’ has come to an end. Now it’s just you, and it’s your choice what to make of it. _

* * *

“You will always have a place in my heart.”

* * *

_ I love you, Kakashi. _

* * *

“I will always love you.”

* * *

_ Forever yours, _

_ Obito _

* * *

“Please, forgive me.”


End file.
